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All-Star Diary

Posted on February 18, 2013 at 8:40 PM


8:23 - The Shooting Stars participants are announced. (1) Why is Brook Lopez in a shooting contest of any kind? (2) How did the league makes teams? Did they just pick three random players and pair them together? I thought this event couldn't get any more pathetic. It just did.


8:24  - Muggsy Bogues is a head and a half shorter than the WNBA player on his team. He's the most underrated player in NBA history. We consider Eric Bledsoe short at 6’1’’, and Muggsy was 10 inches shorter, and still averaged 10.8 points, 10.1 assists, 4.1 rebounds, and 47% field goal shooting in his best season!


8:36 - The half-court shots have begun. It becomes increasingly unclear every year why the NBA makes me watch this instead of a league-wide one-on-one tournament.

8:45 - I’m currently watching Muggsy Bogues shooting a basketball like a football while Brook Lopez is trying to avoid stepping on him like an ant. This is reason #57 why I hate the Shooting Stars.

8:50 - Charles Barkley never joins the announcers’ booth until well after the Shooting Stars. Smart move.



9:41 - Stephen Curry shoots so effortlessly.

9:44 - Matt Bonner shoots like he’s in junior high school.

9:59 - Kyrie Irving hits 17 of his first 18 shots in the final round, and gets Lebron out of his seat, thinking, "Why did I go to Miami to join an aging Dwyane Wade and a center who participates in the Shooting Stars when I could be playing with Kyrie?”





Round 1:

10:21 - Gerald Green throws it down reverse off the side of the backboard for a 50. My first reaction was, "They gave THAT a 50?" In retrospect, however, he did reach back over his shoulder to make the catch and was nearly concussed colliding with the rim. Nonetheless, you can't give a 50 on the first dunk.

10:23 - James White jumps from beyond the free-throw line and somehow misses off the BACK rim. He then gets robbed of a 50 on his dunk from just inside the free-throw line that no other contestant could have completed. He creatively lined up flight attendants to create a runway and jumped from only 12-18 inches ahead of where Michael Jordan did, except he used two hands and brought the ball way behind his head.


10:25 - Terrence Ross gets a generous 50 on a behind-the-back-180 that he took six tries to make. 

10:30 - Jeremy Evans brings out 7'4'' Mark Eaton, only to have him sit on a box, which 5’3’’ Muggsy Bogues could have done just as effectively. After 45 seconds, Kevin Harlan astutely comments, "I would be more impressed if he was standing up." No shit.

10:32 - TNT shows the East vs. West scoreboard for the 200th time of the night. I stopped paying attention after, well… before the event started.


Round 2:

10:35 - James White can dunk from the free-throw line with two hands, but he can't dribble a basketball up the court without tripping over himself. Now we know why he has no in-game dunk highlights.  


10:36 - Carmelo Anthony's sunglasses are uglier than a Deandre Jordan foul shot.

10:41 - Green tries to dunk the ball twice in one jump. Terrible idea, worse execution, good creativity. 

10:43 - Ross throws down a 360 off a bounce, needing just a 33 to make the finals. The judges give him a 49, about ten points too high, because they haven't seen a made dunk in 13 minutes. Dominique Wilkins just asked David Stern if he could participate next year.

10:44 - Kenneth Faried does a poor man's version of Jason Richardson's off-the-backboard between-the-legs from 2004,  although he does use a mininal running start, and his hair is awesome, so the judges give him a 50.

10:46 - Eric Bledsoe is awarded a 50 for a two-handed reverse windmill that looked awesome in real time, but was a dunk that every other competitor could have done (except forJames White, who would have been too tired after his marathon up and down the court). It's time the NBA gets smart people to judge the contest: Bill Simmons, Mike Wilbon, Charles Barkley, Steve Kerr, and... Brian Scalabrine! Have them announce the competition while they judge so the audience gets to hear the justification for their scores. 

10:48 - Evans dunks two balls with as little authority as physically possible after a 360, and sneaks into the finals.


Final Round:

10:56 - Evans does a mediocre lefty windmill over a covered easel, which he then reveals to be a painting of himself. Let's just say it's a bad sign when the biggest roar from the crowd during a dunk contest comes not after a dunk, but after a painting is uncovered.

10:58 - Ross puts in a windmill off the side of the backboard after spinning somewhere between 225 and 270 degrees, leaning waaay back and ending up really far away from the rim: best dunk of the contest.

10:58 - Kevin Garnett officially becomes the king of the Dunk Contest reaction. Back in 2000, he pulled out the video-camera lean-back, and now he goes with the sour-lemon face while wearing a red, white, and blue scarf. Tremendous.

11:00 - Evans brings out the box once again (twice in one contest might be excessive), this time with Danhtay Jones seated on it, and Kenny Smith, announcing his 14th dunk contest, says, "Oh, we got one more?"

11:01 - Evans puts down a vicious one-handed alley oop over the box, spurring the comment, "That, right there, was a dunk contest dunk," from the one and only Kenny Smith.

11:03 - Ross jumps over the smallest kid he could find in the entire arena over whom to jump, but goes between his legs and jumps almost the entire width of the paint.

11:04 - When asked who he thought should win, Dr. Shaquille O'Neal answers in a slow, deep mumble, "I'm gonna go with that last guy, I don’t know his name."

11:06 Everyone is going to complain that the dunk contest should be changed, but it was only a few missed dunks that ruined it this year; if Green, White, and Bledsoe had all made the ones they missed, we'd be talking about one of the best dunk contests of all-time. There’s still hope for next year.



Categories: All-Star Weekend

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Reply Seth
5:55 PM on March 1, 2013 
Keep pushing for the one-on-one tourney!
Reply Chris Aiwanse
6:53 PM on February 19, 2013 
Another great article Lev! I'm happy you stuck to this website.
Reply Kyle Cassara
10:21 PM on February 18, 2013 
No impressions about the Skills Challenge?