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Slogans for All 30 NBA Teams, from Worst to First

Posted on October 30, 2012 at 4:00 PM


30. Charlotte “At least we can’t be worse than last season… or can we?” Bobcats

29. Orlando “Whenever you have the chance to trade Dwight Howard for Arron Afflalo, you simply have to do it” Magic

28. Sacramento “Whoever crosses half-court first shoots the ball. No passes allowed!” Kings

27. Phoenix “Didn’t we just have Steve Nash, Amaré Stoudemire, and Shawn Marion just three or four years ago… what happened to all of them? Oh yeah, we traded Marion for a 35-year-old Shaquille O’Neal, refused to pay Stoudemire $100 million even though we dished out $67 million to Channing Frye and Josh Childress, and then surrounded Steve Nash with the worst players we could find until he quit on us” Suns

26. Cleveland “We can still beat out the Indians and the Browns for the best Cleveland sports team” Cavaliers

25. Washington “At least we have Robert Griffin III” Wizards

24. Houston “Maybe trading for James Harden will make everyone forget that the guy we signed for $25 million (Jeremy Lin) shot 28% from the field in the preseason” Rockets

23. Toronto “Add Jonas Valanciunas to a 23-43 team, and that’s a playoff team, right?” Raptors

22. Portland “Those Damian Lillard to Derrick Rose comparisons better be accurate” Trailblazers

21. Golden State “If we can stay healthy” Warriors

20. Minnesota “Kevin Love got injured, but not to worry, we have more than enough white big guys to back him up” Timberwolves

19. Detroit “You are underestimating the power of Andre Drummond!” Pistons

(I'm just really excited for Disney's Star Wars 7, 8, and 9)

18. New Orleans “Thanks for the #1 overall draft pick, David Stern!” Hornets

(It's not a coincidence that the team owned by the league and that got screwed over by the vetoed Chris-Paul-to-the-Lakers-trade got the #1 pick even though their odds of winning it were less than 1/8.)

17. Dallas “Take your time coming back from surgery, Dirk Nowitzki, we’re not going anywhere anyway” Mavericks

16. Milwaukee “Watch this season to find out who can attempt more shots in 48 minutes - Brandon Jennings or Monta Ellis. The race is on!” Bucks

15. Philadelphia “Our back-up point guard and our starting small forward are the same person76ers

14. Atlanta “Don’t worry about Joe Johnson’s departure, we can still set the record for the most first-round playoff exits as a #5 or #6 seed” Hawks

13. New York “Stand around and watch Carmelo Anthony post up from 20 feet away from the basket: The Sequel” Knicks

12. Chicago “An entire team's fate resting on one man's ACL” Bulls

11. Brooklyn “Wait… what? You need bench players and defensive-minded players on an NBA team to be good?” Nets

10. Memphis “We’re still good considering that we traded Kevin Love for O.J. Mayo in 2008” Grizzlies

9. Utah “Nobody can match our meaningless preseason dunks” Jazz

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8. Indiana “We’re paying Roy Hibbert how much money? $58 million!!!!!! Uh oh... Let’s just hope Paul George is the next Tracy McGrady” Pacers

7. Los Angeles “We have more back-up small forwards and shooting guards than you” Clippers

(Matt Barnes, Lamar Odom, Grant Hill, Eric Bledsoe, Jamal Crawford, Willie Green, Travis Leslie)

6. Boston “Entering Year-6 of the three-year Kevin Garnett experiment” Celtics

5. Denver “Javale McGee, Kenneth Faried, and Andre Iguodala on the same team… This is going to be fun” Nuggets

4. Oklahoma City “Yes, we broke up our Big 3 by shopping James Harden, but we got significantly more in return for a bench player than the Orlando Magic got in return for Dwight Howard” Thunder

3. Los Angeles “Hmm, what should we do on this possession? We could run a pick-and-roll with Steve Nash and Pau Gasol, we could clear out for Kobe Bryant, Steve Nash could throw an alley-oop within fifteen feet of the rim and Dwight Howard will dunk it, Steve Nash could pull up for a three-pointer… actually it doesn’t matter because Howard will get the offensive rebound no matter what” Lakers

2. San Antonio “It’s the 2011-2012 Spurs… but a year older!” Spurs

1. Miami “Only seven more months until we find out which team we get to play in the Finals” Heat

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Categories: Top 10

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